latest ..

Today, 01:47 PM #523
kmu dan aku .. adalah kapal laut dan dermaga tanpa tepian
selamanya takkan pernah bertemu pada satu titik perhentian

Today, 01:51 PM #524
kusetubuhi udara, air, lalu api
karena seperti itu jugalah kamu
suatu yang nyata namun maya
aura tak berbatas ..

Today, 01:55 PM #525
Aku, ruang kosong tak berpenghuni.
Kecuali jejak jiwa jiwa terpenjara
yang kamu tinggalkan.

pernah kah aku bilang padamu
bahwa kamu sangat amat culas
mencuri hatiku, dan menyembunyikannya di balik penjara hatimu
dan membuang kuncinya di balik lengkung awan
hingga tak ada seorangpun yang bisa mengambilnya kembali darimu

kamu sangat beringas
mengikis waktu dengan menghabiskan ketelanjangan hatiku
yang segera kamu tutup dengan kelambu warna kelabu
hingga tidak ada yang bisa melihat corak didalamnya

kamu sangat panas
membakar cemburuku
dengan membiarkan dia mencuri hatimu
saat hatiku telah habis kamu curi

ya .. aku memang belum siap

"de, sebenernya lo siap gak sih untuk kembali sendiri lagi?"
"kenapa musti tidak? aku kan emang dari awal selalu sendirian."
"kalau dia memang benar telah menemukan pengganti kamu? maksudnya lebih dulu daripada kamu?"
"maksud kamu, kalau dia benar mau menikah lagi?"
"yea. sort of."
"kenapa bisa jadi masalah buat aku?"
"sejak masih sama aku dia udah punya orang lain kok."
"dan kemaren ini dia juga bilang sama aku, dia mau cari penggantiku."
"klo memang bisa bikin dia lebih baik, why not?"
"tapi itu kan katanya. gimana kalo memang terbukti semua itu benar. kalo kmu terima undangannya, or yah .. sumthin like that lah."
"yea. dats life. can't blame it."
"yakin?"
termenung diam ..
"menurutlo?"
"stop acting like a strong ones. you ain't like one."
diam. cepat menyeruput orange juice. tergesa. belepotan.
senyum tipis di bibir sahabatku. selembar tissue disorongkan ke wajahku.
ke pipiku. dimana bulir-bulir asin air mata teralir.
"why? he stole my heart once."
"and then this childish stupid biatch want to take him from me."
"she stole it from me."
air mata menganak sungai. lenganku lemas jatuh sejajar dengan lutut.
"no. she's not stealing anything from me. i don't have him since the beginning."
"poor you, my little friend. you don't deserve this."
"aku salah ya? aku ternyata memang belum siap."

detik-detik berakhir pada pukul 14.30. sahabatku harus pergi, waktunya mengakhiri jam makan siang yang amat sangat panjang. aku kembali sendirian. merenung. ya, aku memang belum siap.

Tuesday, 17 October 2006. During lunch time.

unwrittenable

Again, for the million times my ex trying to call me up again. This time he directly inform me that he already bought my son's needs for this month. And he asked whether he can bought him couple clothes for Lebaran.

So, we went together to Citos yesterday. Like a happy family. Like there's no bad thing had happened to us before. I'm just waiting .. waiting when will his tempered blowing up, like usual.

But until we goin home, everything's just fine. We went around, go to supermarket, playing some games in Time Zone. And he asked me whether I could come to his house for a while. And I said yes. I knew that he want to show his son to the ppl in the neighborhood. But, sorry Ayah .. I couldn't stay longer. Rama has been out since the afternoon, he needs some rests. Anyway, I have many things in my head I couldn't tell. Hope the day will come for us, for Rama.

And on the way home, he don't want to hand Rama to me. he wants to keep him by his hands. Take Rama to sleep. On a way home, in the cab, he holds Rama tight like he didn't wanna let him go. Kiss him.

Yesterday was gatdem perfect ..

And I still can feel my hand shaking ..
And suddenly I realize, he never SMS me again, after he goin' home even he know that I'm worrying whether he back home safely or not. And I type an SMS ..

"Terimakasih Ayah. Terimakasih mau sayang sama Rama. Mudah2an Ayah akan selalu baik dan jangan jahat lagi sama Rama dan Bunbun. Doa dan cium Rama buat Ayah, semoga dimurahkan rezeki dan kesehatan dari Allah, karena Rama dan Bunbun nggak bisa jaga Ayah .."

but the SMS was never been sent. I'm afraid you will get misunderstood. I'm afraid you will think that I'll open my arms if you give Rama in material. No, your kindness today is more than that. Not only the clothes, not only the food, but it's lot more than that .. your hug, your caring .. is all Rama's need.

ini latest poem gue yg belom sempet di posting disini
mari yuuuuu ..

10 October 2006

I need no vitamins to keep alive
just the fresh air that I've missed.
And the warmth of you
.. you in the past.


Happy Anniversary, 041006

rasa benciku padamu karena aku pernah begitu mencintaimu
dan saat kamu katakan kamu tidak pernah mencintai aku,
begitulah rasa benci tumbuh dengan suburnya di hatiku ..

-cakid-

Duh kenapa yah gue kok tiba2 jadi penyakitan gini.
Dah dari hari Jum’at gue klo napas kok sesak, trus punggung gue kaya digebukin orang sekampung.

Weekend mustinya istirahat, malah lebih dihajar lagi.
Mulai bikin kue buat lebaran (damn, I miss this last year), tapi tetep musti perhatiin si bayi lincah itu.
Dia udah mulai bisa duduk tegak loh, biarpun musti pegangan ke barang apa gitu di depannya.

Tambah lagi hari Sabtu si Dajjal brengsek itu mulai SMS gue lagi.
Kayaknya dia gak ngerti2 yah klo dia amat sangat annoying gue.
Dia gak ngerti kali bahwa gue harus selalu kuat supaya bisa ngurus anak gue.
Anak dia juga gitu loh. Dia tau persis klo gue abis brantem sama dia, pasti udahannya sakit (najis, kok gue bisa begitu yah??)
Apa jangan-jangan dia memang mengharapkan gue cepet mati??
Supaya bisa rebut anak gue.

Oh that’s only happen in your dream.